The email that broke my

My dearest Mae-Mae,

My cancer cells in my stomach area has spread it is like a weed now n also  in my lungs.
I hv been out of chemo 21/2 months lady was end of April .

Though I stopped chemo but I choose alternative medicine n also tried acupuncture . I am happy going for acupuncture .

Now that after the scan results is worst I am asked to continue chemo treatment by my own oncology .

To tell you something  I hv given up hope !

I don't see any hope for me to continue chemo except I ll be more weak and sick going for chemo !

I am in pain dear I took painkiller and it is form of morphine.

Suddenly I feel I hv no use to anybody anymore I don't look forward to anything anymore
I told God I'm ready ..

I don't know how long I can handle my pain seriously I am so tired of being sick ..

If I go out to friends place I  always the topic of discussion n I hate it ..

Please help me  I am so sad now ..

Drowning

Friday 17 April 2015.

My Mama was diagnosed with cancers of cervix, abdomen and intestine, stage 4 plus swollen heart and kidney.

She doesn't know yet.

I thought telling her Kak J was dying was the hardest thing I had to do.

How do I tell her about this?

The email that broke my heart

My dearest sis,

My cancer cells in my stomach area has spread it is like a weed now n also  in my lungs.

I hv been out of chemo 21/2 months lady was end of April .

Though I stopped chemo but I choose alternative medicine n also tried acupuncture . I am happy going for acupuncture .

Now that after the scan results is worst I am asked to continue chemo treatment by my own oncology .
To tell you something  I hv given up hope !

I don't see any hope for me to continue chemo except I ll be more weak and sick going for chemo !

I am in pain dear I took painkiller and it is form of morphine.

Suddenly I feel I hv no use to anybody anymore I don't look forward to anything anymore

I told God I'm ready ..

I don't know how long I can handle my pain seriously I am so tired of being sick ..

If I go out to friends place I  always the topic of discussion n I hate it ..
Please help me  I am so sad now ..

Regrets I have a few.

My beautiful sister passed away last year in Seattle. 22 August 2013.

Growing up, I alternatively loved, hated, worshipped, feared and envied her. She was the golden child. The beautiful (there’s no comparison really), the glamorous MAS stewardess, the beauty queen, the TVC talent.

Makcik-makcik have always done the ‘sorang lawa, sorang pandai’ route.

I have always been insecure by the comparison. It was only as adults that I realised she was affected too. “You are so clever, sis . I’m uneducated”

Growing up, we weren’t friends. She was the garang older sister, I was the crybaby brat.

After her second divorce, I was the only one she confided in. I was the only one who knew the real reason. We became friends since. We’re both adults coping with an indifferent mother. We both had to make our own way in life because the parental support wasn’t there.

We’re chalk and cheese. She was a proper lady, doesn’t even swear. We were into different things. She doesn’t even know who Robbie Fowler is:)

But we were as close as two sisters can be. Nothing is sacred. Not even sex. I learnt about (how to achieve) female orgasm from her.

But I was still a brat. Didn’t even send her off at the airport when she migrated in Dec 2011. Because I didn’t want her to go. Plus  I couldn’t face the barrage of irritating relatives.

I regret that so much. She left with colon cancer stage 3. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.

We did have our private goodbye though. Just the two of us. Dinner and a long chat. Light stuff though. No heart rendering stuff.

That was the last time I saw her.

She’s always been positive around me, doing the older sister act. So eventhough she was on chemo 3 days/week, it was always, ‘Don’t worry. I’m ok. I’m getting better.”

We keep saying we miss each other and we will meet again. Either me going there, or she coming back. But I was broke, starting over again after a failed venture.

And she doesn’t look sick at all. She still looks like Kak J.

A few weeks before raya, came a heartwrenching email. It was then I knew she was dying. Because for the first time since her diagnosis, she didn’t pull the ‘Don’t worry. I’m ok.’

I took a proper look at her pictures and saw the difference. Others would say she still looks the same.  But I knew.

Here’s the thing. She never told Mom that she had cancer. I respected her wishes.
But when I knew she was dying, how could I not tell Mom? She deserves to know, to pray for her golden child.

So I told Mom that Kak J was dying on the eve of Raya. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. She was cooking and didn’t seem to react.Later I found out from a cousin she rang her to find out what the story is cause I was crying too much to make much sense.

That night she told me that a few weeks earlier she dreamt both Tok Wan and Yennayenni Grandma came over to tell her, ‘We’re taking J back with us.”