The email that broke my

My dearest Mae-Mae,

My cancer cells in my stomach area has spread it is like a weed now n also  in my lungs.
I hv been out of chemo 21/2 months lady was end of April .

Though I stopped chemo but I choose alternative medicine n also tried acupuncture . I am happy going for acupuncture .

Now that after the scan results is worst I am asked to continue chemo treatment by my own oncology .

To tell you something  I hv given up hope !

I don't see any hope for me to continue chemo except I ll be more weak and sick going for chemo !

I am in pain dear I took painkiller and it is form of morphine.

Suddenly I feel I hv no use to anybody anymore I don't look forward to anything anymore
I told God I'm ready ..

I don't know how long I can handle my pain seriously I am so tired of being sick ..

If I go out to friends place I  always the topic of discussion n I hate it ..

Please help me  I am so sad now ..

Together

She knew she was leaving. She wanted to be near me.

So I took her to KL on 8 June.

Our last picture together.

Bereft

14 June 2015. 1.45pm. One week ago.

I still see your face asking me for ubat sebab sakit.

I wish I could have done more for you. Im grateful you didnt suffer for long. Doa Mama tenang di sana.

Darkness

"It's ok doctor. We understand English."

"It is I who is bad with languages."

"Multiple tumours. Terminal. Within this year. Take her home. Make her comfortable."

I finally told her. "Sakit macam Kak Jue. Doktor bagi 6 bulan."

She said she wants to move to KL to be near me.

Anything you want, Mama.

Then she took out her necklace & put it around my neck.

Waterfall.

And I was thinking, "I must tell Kak Jue this."

2 Punjabi kids binti Melayu

I had bad motion sickness and my grandparents couldn't be arsed to take me along on any trip unless they absolutely have to. So whenever they need to leave Cameron Highlands for more than a day, they used to dump me at the Nyonya's next door.

The Nyonya in turn would lock her dogs , but unfortunately, not her kids. Not because of any senstiive issue. I mean, my Muslim grandparents already happily left me there. So there's really no need to be coy and all. Besides, we have two dogs as well - Patrice and Evra, I mean, Blackie and Darkie and a nasty cat called Moon who almost bit my finger off.

They have to lock their dogs because one of em bit me once. I stil have the scar on my knee. And I get hysterical around dogs to this day. Cats too. And chicken. And geese. You ever been chased by a goose? I rest my case. I was also bitten by a scorpion. Twice. But that's another story.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to tell you another story.

Once, when my aunty was dying of cancer, my grandparents left me with another family for about two weeks. A muslim family with a Punjabi lodger. Of sorts.

They have two daugthers. One of em is my classmate. So I knew very well her name ber-binti the Malay man. But they both look just like the Punjabi, errr....lodger.

But kids were raised better those days. You were not encouraged to talk. A death glare is all it takes to shut you up until you leave home at 17. Or 12 in my case. So we didnt go around asking neighbours and strangers, "Awak janda ke?", "Awak ni lelaki ke perempuan?" "Kenapa suami makcik Melayu tapi anak makcik muka Punjabi?"

Recently, I finally remembered to ask my Mom about that family. My Mom nonchalantly told me everyone in Cameron knew that the Pakcik 'ada masalah baka' so the wife slept with the Punjabi lodger.

Everyone knew?

Then how come my grandparents left me with keluarga yang tak bermoral dan juga tanpa nilai-nilai murni? And where is JAWI? Apasal tak kena tangkap?

I tell you. We Cameron Highlanders are the real urban liberals.

Kau apa tahu? Sibuk pasal hak asasi immigrant, makcik kat kampung sakit tak gi visit pun.

Drowning

Friday 17 April 2015.

My Mama was diagnosed with cancers of cervix, abdomen and intestine, stage 4 plus swollen heart and kidney.

She doesn't know yet.

I thought telling her Kak J was dying was the hardest thing I had to do.

How do I tell her about this?

The email that broke my heart

My dearest sis,

My cancer cells in my stomach area has spread it is like a weed now n also  in my lungs.

I hv been out of chemo 21/2 months lady was end of April .

Though I stopped chemo but I choose alternative medicine n also tried acupuncture . I am happy going for acupuncture .

Now that after the scan results is worst I am asked to continue chemo treatment by my own oncology .
To tell you something  I hv given up hope !

I don't see any hope for me to continue chemo except I ll be more weak and sick going for chemo !

I am in pain dear I took painkiller and it is form of morphine.

Suddenly I feel I hv no use to anybody anymore I don't look forward to anything anymore

I told God I'm ready ..

I don't know how long I can handle my pain seriously I am so tired of being sick ..

If I go out to friends place I  always the topic of discussion n I hate it ..
Please help me  I am so sad now ..